Given my recent posts on the emotional labor of doctors and nurses, it only seems fair to turn the lens on myself and ponder how I experienced and expressed a variety of emotions throughout my treatment for acute myeloid leukemia.
In the early stages of my care, I sought to be a “good patient” and cultivate positive relationships with my doctors and nurses. I was seeking to transform routine, clinical encounters into more human and humane interactions. But it was also a strategic move on my part to insure I would receive the best possible care. While patients’ demeanor should not affect their quality of care, nurses and doctors are also people with their own emotional states. Getting on their good side seemed like a wise course.
In the later stages of my treatment, it became evident that I was on the road to recovery. As it gradually dawned on me that my doctors had saved my life with their medical knowledge, treatment plan, and attentive care, I experienced a flood of powerful emotions: unbounded good will, heartfelt gratitude, and a deep appreciation for them and how they practiced their craft.
While I expressed this appreciation, I also felt a certain reticence about whether or how to convey the depth of these feelings. After all, a famous sociologist once argued that professional role relationships like doctor—patient should be “affectively neutral” and that strong emotional sentiments should be reserved for family, lovers and friends.
I’m guessing that this famous sociologist was never successfully treated for a life-threatening disease. But my experience left me seeking some further outlet for the profound gratitude and deep affection that I felt toward my doctors upon my recovery and survival. The best I could do was pay it forward through my volunteer work and peer counseling with blood cancer patients. In some small way, those activities help me feel like the benefits I received from my doctors and nurses live on in what I try to bring to current patients as they navigate their own medical destinies.
And just in case my doctors stumble across this entry, please know I cannot thank you enough.